09 december 2008

Mr Tuesday

As I write this I'm really tired, it's been a dreadful day.

Mr Tuesday:
He visited on Tuesdays. On and off for a year. He was older, short and shaved bald - about 2-3 inches shorter than me. The result was that when he was inside me he hardly reached my lips.

I used to leave the keys outside and then he'd just enter my apartment.
Sometimes I was already asleep when he crawled down beside me in bed. He'd be freezing, I'd be warm and soft.
He always smelled so damn good and I'd wondered how he managed to get away from his wife.
He probably had some excuse, something he told her about Tuesdays - a course or something. I was a part of his routine, which in the end made all the interesting and spontaneous sex we had seem very rehearsed.
But before that point we had fun, played with my toys and situations, looking back, I pretend to be far more relaxed, experimental and groovy than I really were.

- I've been thinking about this all day - looking forward to seeing you, thinking about all the things we'd do.

That's usually what he'd start of saying and I'd feel him being really tuned on as he pressed himself against me, looking for warmth, softly kissing my neckline.
And then he'd go down on me.

He took his time, knowing that oral sex with a woman is just as much an art as giving good head. First he'd go slow and gently and just because I grunt didn't mean I wanted him to give it harder or faster. Which he knew.
He continued doing what he was doing and eventually when he thought the time was right he gave it to me.
I had amazing orgasms - as if he'd put me out of my misery and finally just let me cum.

Another thing he did, that most men miss is: less is more - Never use all the tricks of your repertoire at the same time.
I believe lots of other ladies out there would agree.

Interestingly enough he was one of those guys who didn't enjoy receiving as much. Usually he'd just nail me after I'd cum. ("I want you!")

He had the longest lasting orgasms I've ever known for a man. A long moan followed by squirming and then he'd shake for a couple of minutes as it all wore off.

We'd lie in silence. In the dark.
Just before I'd fall asleep, he'd kiss me goodnight, leave and go home to his wife.

He never told me he had a wife. I figured it out on my own and I had trouble respecting him for it.

02 december 2008

I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It

We stood on the back of the porch when I kissed her. Her lips where soft and wet, I pulled her close and we tounged like we've been starving for kisses for years and years.

I met her at this party, in a remote suburb. I was invited by this guy who had (and still has this hang-up on me). I was looking for a party and thought what the heck... Interestingly enough he has a thing about homosexuals. He thinks it's un-natural. While I have lots of lesbian friends and and think it's just as natural as some people who like cars and others who don't.
I constantly called him on it. What's weird was thay she and him actually enjoyed eachothers comapny and where friends. They talked about how stupid girls could be etc.

She was cute, in a guy-ish way. But she wasn't a butch. She was cute and I enjoyed her spunk. She spoke her mind while still being open to the fact that there are all kinds of people. I think that's one of the sexiest things ever, no matter the gender.
I'm a bit like that myself and while all other females at that party where girlie-girls, we three strongly opionated people discussed things back and forth during the night. The way things developed was that the two of them actually fought for my attention and affection.

After a couple of hours I felt like jumping into the pool. I got undressed and only kept my panties on. Perhaps it was a test to see who was going to jump in there with me.
She did.
While this guy was just standing around. missing out.

It was when I decided to leave, cause I had enough of partying for one night when she ran after me.
She said that she really wanted me to stay. I was dead set on leaving and she looked at me with her big sensitive eyes and that's when I just felt like kissing her. So I approached her, grabbes her neck and waist and kissed her.
Then I said that I really liked her but told her I really had to go.
And then I left.

I do not think that I'm a 100% straight. I know for a fact that sometimes I get really infectuated by some women. But I've never been in love with a woman.
Sometimes I wonder if that's cause that's the way I was raised - that I'm blocking all those feelings away. And that's just me being healthy and questioning myself.
I am not gay because I've never met a woman who I wanted to have as my own. As I have with men.
Still I'm not imune to sexy females. Femalse who I find sexy. Interestingly enough they are not the same type as what's generally reguarded as sexy - by men. I like intelligent, confident, strong and playful women, actually the same things that I like about men.

I've spent nights out on clubs just dancing the night away with some woman I don't know who's blown me away and just sparkles from enjoying to be herself. To express herself and have a good time.
That's just always so damn attractive.

If there's a man out there with the same traits I'd be happy to get your number.
Most men are just too busy with positionating them selves in reguard to other men or other women.
Posing is just so damn dull.

Other girls I'd like to kiss are Chloë, Gwen and Kate:

24 november 2008


I was strolling home late one night/early morning. I heard steps behind me, closing in, I got scared and slowed down so that who-ever was behind me could pass me by.
Instead he joined me.
"Can I bum a smoke?"
He was a cute guy, very cute. And young. 18 years old.
He told me he was on his way home after celebrating his birthday. And home was a couple of buildings away from me. We had the entire walk home together.
I think we mostly talked about life. I asked about his plans and probably seemed worthily. I could sense tension building up, but thought that he was way too young.

As we closed in on his house we realised that we didn't want to split. Instead I invited him for the Jacuzzi. Just for the fun of it. We laughed, it was early in the morning.
He had a really nice body - by traditional standards. six-pack and everything. He told me he went to a circus-school, that's why...

We slipped into the water and just sat around talking. I didn't have any intentions of anything more. Just some neighbourly companionship. We sat there talking. Eventually we started talking about relationships. True enough he had a girlfriend. True enough he suddenly dared to pull me close and kissed me.
It was a great kiss, he had the softest lips, warmest tongue and I just loved carefully sucking, nibbling and tasting everything about his mouth.

When the kiss was done I pulled away, I wanted him, but I resisted.
He had told me that he had a girlfriend and I decided to be the responsible adult. I told him "I should get some sleep."
He still slept beside me that night. But all we did was sleep.

In the morning we exchanged numbers and we texted each other from time to time. But it would take us about a year before we met again. This time we had passionate sex at my place. I had a well-shaped cock, bigger than I imagined and after all those great kisses I went down on him in much the same way.
It was a mixed emotion - having sex with something that young and innocent. I mean he wasn’t a virgin, not by far. But when I looked up at him he had the face of an angel. Only that this angel had an erection and wanted to eventually fuck me...
Eventually he did.

We met one more time at his place.
I guess we also tried having a regular talk, but soon realised that we didn't have all that much to talk about... We both let it slip away after that.

21 november 2008

20 november 2008

Sock it to me…

I said: ”We haven’t had sex in the bathroom yet!”
He said: "That's very true!"

Minutes afterwards I leaned over the sink as he pushed his cock deep inside of me.
I looked up and saw us in the mirror. It was a great turn on.
I hardly thought it was me. It was like watching a movie - I saw someone who looked exactly like me, having sex and a good time in a bathroom.

In the mirror I met his eyes, they smiled. And then he looked at the both of us in the mirror. I guess he felt the same. He pushed harder and deeper.

He was a friend of a friend. (also a friend of my ex. which complicated things later on.)
Somehow I thought that was a thumbs up. That he wasn’t an asshole.
We met them on a cruise and I used to go to the same school as this guy. he and his friends were on a bachelor-party.

Rule: When it comes to bachelor-parties, feel free to let them buy you drinks and party on. Never do anything more.

I ended up talking to his cute friend. We had a couple of mutual friends and common grounds. (He worked as an AD and designed the logo for one food-chains in town and sometimes when I pass them by I think of him... and laugh.)

Eventually we ended up at his cabinet.
I was running away from a nasty ex-situation and although I hadn’t formulated it for myself. I just needed to get away, get appreciated, and forget all about things at home.
I got a little more than I bargained for. A nicely shaped cock, sized above average.
We fucked for quite some time, took a break, strolled around and then went back for the infamous bathroom scene (above).

In the morning I left in a hurry. I very ashamed of what I had done. Guilt.
A couple of hours later i realised I lost my stocking. I hadn’t by purpose. But since I wanted to ex-change phone-numbers, and give it some more dignity we went back for my stocking. Actually they were a couple of newly-bought stay-ups, I found it and still keep them.

The same guilt I felt a couple of hours before I recognised in him, when the boys and the girls met up for drinks. Everything was aquard.
If it’d been today, I’d know it was because he had a girlfriend at home. And then there was the link between the friend and my ex-boyfriend… shit!

”Did you have a good night?” asked the bachelor (no 1, who also had a fling with my girlfriend).
I kept a brave face and said ”Ask the AD”.
”Yeah I know he had a great time, I just wanted to ask you how you felt!”

The same evening back in the city-lights we met up with the same boys.
Mostly since my friend liked my old friend, I’d been alright without it, but I saw an opertunity to settle the score with my old friend.
He said: ”Oh. You know you needn’t worry I’m not gonna tell X what happened”.
I said: "It alright, we're not together anymore so..." and it felt really good to say it out loud.

Somewhere during the night I also put two and two together and told The Stocking (nickname) that I knew he had a girlfriend, I just said it.
I also told him to go home to her instead.
By doing so I saved his ass from feelings of guilt towards me. I also saved my own.

More lessons:
I learned not to have sex with friends friends.
I also learned the importance of finding out weather a guy is occupied or not before hand (I do not get involved with men who are occupied, that’s a firm rule, it just messy and not nice towards anyone!)

Half a year later I met him on the bus. I smiled and we chatted.
A couple of months later I learned that he’d broken of with his girlfriend and got together with an old classmate of mine. I think that’s hilarious. I also take some credit, judging from his guilt-trip I think it woke him up.

The funnies thing was at this jazz-festival when I met the two of them together and he said ”Hi!” but she didn’t. She really must have wondered how me and the Stocking knew each other.
Since then I’ve also met them on the bus together and talk to them both, as if they’re old friends. It gives me dignity.

p.s. At the same time, one of her co-workers is a close friend of mine. This summer I met with her at a barbecue-party. We get along fine.

An Orgasm... For Me?

Place: My bed
Partner: Punk-style, kind and sensitive
Size: Smaller than average but he could go for hours!
Position: Me on top.

I rode him and as I looked down it dawned on me that I really didn't care for him in any other way besides sex.
I loved the sex we where having right there but it puzzled me. He wasn't big, didn't do any amazing tricks, hell, he wasn’t even an exceptional kisser.
I guess that's what made me orgasm at last. (I deserved it.)

The trick is to not mind the guy. usually they want another paste from females and if you can make him more sensitive towards adapting and following you, the more personal pleasure you'll get. That's what I did.

As I slowly worked his cock he started hitting my spot.
I continued feeling a tingling sensation which reminded me of getting clitoris-orgasms. But it was inside me, more extended and more intense.
I worked myself up to orgasm and I was afraid to loose it all the way there.

I think he was really surprised by my sudden behaviour.
"Did you cum?"
I could honestly say: Yes I did.

I didn't care the slightest about him but he had big plans and a small crush on me.
I had sex with him one time after that and felt that he wanted to get serious. I cut the calls short and less often. Although I'll cherish him forever for being one of two guys who ever gave me a real orgasm.

It's not a myth that females fake orgasms.
Interestingly when I talked about my experience with my girlfriends they didn't recognise anything about how it felt. And I acted like I just found Jesus (but without a bible).
Conclusion: None of my girlfriends have had vaginal orgasms. All of my grilfriends boyfriends believe they've given their girlfriend orgasms at some point.

Men want to think they know/feel when a woman cums.
The whole relationship of women wanting to please men - growing up thinking that our sexuality is bad and not worth exploring. And if you do explore, you're obviously a slutt!
No wonder it's hard for either sex to know how women should/could be pleased. I still have problems with it.

However... I do have tricks for getting a man to think I cum. Now days I don't fake it casue I want to make him feel secure about what he's doing. I fake because I think it's time... (there isn't a thing about sex that gives me more pleasure than when he cums, it makes me feel sexy and happy)

At the same time there's a excellent rule that everyone's responsible for their own orgasm.

18 november 2008

Going Down?

I've heard that women are more found of sex in exotic places. By that I do not mean during your holiday to some tropical paradise.

I believe that it's because women aren't as easy to please by just regular sex. I also believe that it's because men get more stimulation from just looking the sense of sight (like pornography).
Women prefer words which generates fantasies inside her mind.
For both men and women the mind is our most erogenous zone.

I've always dreamt of having sex in an elevator (and a train, a plane and a car).
Preferably in a shopping mall, when everyone's left and gone home.
I want walls of glass.
I want him to take me against that same wall, and from behind.
All while we ride up and down in that same elevator.
From there I can enjoy the whole world and t
hat's what I want.

17 november 2008

Erotic moments

Internet-dating. I wasn't a big fan. I've never been. But this is the story about the exception to the rule.

This guy wrote me and it was the beginning of mail upon mails going back and forth. They were the joy of my day.
I didn't think of it as flirting. He lived far away as a student. Months went by. Eventually his semester ended and he went back here, to his hometown to work during the summer.
By then we'd grown pretty found and curious about each other. We decided to meet up. Win or loose.

One strange thing when I think about it now is that up until the day before we didn't have the slightest clue about what the other person looked like. Since we weren't flirting.

I imagined a kinda boring-looking fellow. I was really surprised to get a bright red headed (coloured) guy in T-shirt and jeans, a few pounds to much, a package full of charm.
Very soft and mellow. Thoughtful and smart.

We had a lovely date, walked around town, had coffee and talked.
As we walked by the sea-side it started pouring down and we hid under a tree. We stood close and felt overwhelmed.

By the end of the date, he got shy as he said that he'd like to do it again someday. I just nodded, to shy to move or breathe. We hugged.

The next day there was this sports game.
I went to a bar to watch it with a couple of friends, when he texted me and thanked me for yesterday. It was Friday and he asked me what I was up to? I invited him to join us which he and his friends did.

He stood by the bar as I happily walked over. Hardly knowing what to say. So I just grabbed him by his hand and took him somewhere were we could sit down to talk.
"Did you know I had a pulse of 170 when I met you yesterday?"
I thought it was weird to count ones pulse, and wondered how. I also knew the feeling. I just wanted to be close to him.

And then he did what I regard as one of the most tender and soft things anyone's ever done to me.
Gently he took my hands in his and softly kissed my arms.
It blew me away.
We sat there snogging for hours, talking and then we walked all the way back to my place. Making stops to make out and feel each other more.

We got home early in the morning.
I sat on the floor while trying to pick some nice music and he just got behind me, held me, kissed me (eventually killed me).

We laid naked.
Feeling. Touching. Tasting.

He loved when I scratched him hard on his balls. Very hard. Nails and moaning. I felt excited from brining him pleasure and then I wanted him to please me.

If you get inside me it will calm me down - (I'm going to die)
If you come inside me I will never get enough - (I am going to die)

"I don't know what to say..."
We lied naked in the bed holding on to each other. Birds outside and he continued:
"I think that was the most erotic moment I've ever experienced."

In amazement we feel asleep.

14 november 2008

Approaching a guy!

I was bored out of my senses.
Me and a couple of friends had gone out and some hours later they where hitting it off on the dance floor. While I wandered of looking around.
I wanted some excitement, so I made a secret bet with myself to approach a guy. Just cause I’ve never done it before.
My self-esteem was still not that high, and that's why I decided to challenge myself, that and the boredom… Who cares? I'm not gonna see any of these people again.

To be a girl you’re supposed to sit and wait for someone to start talking to you, and when some guys finaly approache you that's when you get to decide if you want to continue the interaction or not.
Chances are, you're just greatful that he's talking to you.
If you go out and no one talks to you it’s just as much of a disappointment for a girl as for a boy getting rejected once he starts talking to a girl.

Today I prefer making the first contact myself. I don’t what to be a victim to whichever idiot walking up to me, just because he’s chosen me out of all the cows.

But that night I felt very un-secure about striking up a conversation with a cute guy.

However, it was disappointingly easy.
I saw this guy. we made eye-contact. Standing around like fools. And then I walked up to him and said ”hi”.
From my experience that’s usually what it takes to get a man into bed.

Another sure thing that’ll get you the guy is to just walk up up to him and inform him that ”I’m leaving now, but before I go I just wanted to tell you that you’re the best-looking guy in the room”. It works every time.
Over the years I’ve tried it on most types of men. Not that I ended up having sex with them, but I definitely could have (one exception - the story's last in this post).
It’s so easy it’s not even a technique!

Anyway, back to the first guy I approached.
Eventually I took him back to my place.
He had a very small cock. Since he was a guy who was into the anal-thing I thanked my God for that.

I don’t like anal-sex and from what I know anal-sex is something that men enjoy more than women - because it stimulates their prostate.
That’s the reason that men enjoy doing number two more. Or why some men want you to put a finger up there. While at the same time too many men think it's sickening whenever gay men have anal-sex! Ain't that funny?
Today, no man would ever be able to stick his thing up my bum.

I had tried anal-sex before, cause my ex persuaded me to try it a couple of times.
Laying there with this guy as he started to act like he lost his map I thought ”ok, since it’s so small you might stick it there, otherwise - since neither you nor me are feeling a thing we’ll be here forever.” It was the only time I remotely enjoyed it.

In the morning I thought he’d never leave. I didn’t want his number. I felt great about picking him up and I advice every women who hasn’t picked up a guy to try it at least once. It works miracles for your self-esteem and makes you more beautiful than most other beauty-tips.

* It failed once, or maybe not, but the guy truly was the most beautiful specimen I ever did see. He shined.
I ended up beside him in the bar and actually became insecure. A feeling I don’t like.
So I told him that he was beautiful. And the strangest thing happened. He acted really surprised:
”Really, do you think so?” for some reason I got very shy. It might have been the fact that he really was that pretty, or the fact that he really seemed surprised and behaved so way of
the scale from what beautiful people usually do. As if he really didn’t know…
as I
remember it, we exchanged names, and I mumbled something about ”well… you truly are, and I just wanted to tell you, but now I have to get back to my friends”. He said: ”Oh! Well thank you once again.”
I love him for it!

13 november 2008

He had the cutest ass I've ever seen.

...But then again he was a sportsman. He even competed for a quite major team although it's in a quite small sport.

This was a quite long time ago and what I remembered was that he had a black tee-shirt, He looked kinda Indie and lost. Indie is not my type but lost boys are.
We talked danced and ran from the club into a taxi holding hands. I was in a good mood.

He was a couple of years younger but lived on his own, during the days he worked at a restaurant.

I really let myself go wild.
After much time of agnst It was nice to adopt a new sexual identity. Take control.
I stayed on top most of the time.

I've got really found memorys of having sex with him. Mostly cause when we were done the bed had moved away from the wall, which he noticed as he got up to go to the bathroom.
"Oh my godness, look att thee bed... it's moved to the middle of the room!"
I laughed.
"This has never happened before!"

Eventually we had a nice shower together, I got to touch his wonderful ass. It really was the kind you'd want to bite.
And then I left, never to see him again.

For being a younger men (about 4-5 years) he knew what he was doing. He was secure.

I always know from having sex with someone wether they've had a longer relationship or not. You definetly can tell by their confidence and know-how, the small things.
And sexual experinece in that sense doesn't come from having sex with lots of different partners, no matter how often.
You can also tell if the guy your having sex with is inpired by porn or not. But I'll get back to that in another blog.
I'll also get back to my take on one night stands...

12 november 2008

Bad things on R

I've been doubtful as to weather to mention the rape or not. For me it abviously wasn't sex, yet ofcourse it effected what was to come in my sex-life.

It made me emotionaly numb and the beauty of someone you liked wanting to have sex with you dissapeared. Love ment sex but sex ment nothing therefor love ment nothing.

I thought: "I do lots of things, but not love"

So, I went for the secure thing.
A relationship.
A brief one.
Sex with Joe the plumber.

Except one morning when I fucked him on his balchony. That was fun!
It was the start of me fucking people instead of the other way around.

Note: being sexualy abused is in my experience something almost every woman encounters. (Someone touching you, looking at you or saying somthing sexual in a way that scares you.)
And even if you don't, just the tought and fear of being raped or abused on your way home (or in your home) has a hold on most women in a way men will never understand.
That in itself is a form of abuse.

21 oktober 2008

The Big One

His was big, I guess it's still the biggest , or at least longest I've ever experienced! It completly surpriced me.

We had been flirting for a while and finally after a party we got it on in one of the rooms at work.
It wasn't all just sex, not in my mind. We cuddled and then just got to excited to be able to stop ourselfs.

It's not all honey and milk tho'. The size of his penis actually put a damper on things since if he rocked to hard he hurt me. I'd crumble and moan in pain.

He also said he liked my breast, but also my ass. "nice and grabable". I really liked when he firmly took a hold of it, as to show how much he liked it.
It was suh a strange feeling that he found me sexy. I mean before that only my ex-boyfriend ever told me that but I figured that wasn't completly biased. To turn someone else on was something new and fascinating.

However I wanted something more, that he wasn't able to give me.
So due to lack of affection from him I went and got it from other places. To compensate.
It was a hard time as I tried to understand why he didn't like me. At some point he must have... otherwise why did we have sex, you don't want to have sex with someone you don't like, right? That's where I came from...
I learned that doesn't have to be the truth.
The guy actually lead me to alter the frase "There's people who want to fuck you, and there's people who want to fuck you".

I'd also like to clarify that he had difficulties of his own... a has-been drugie with servere emotional problems.
And he excused my behaviour with that of some Florence Nightingale-person... which I never bought or believed, however I couldn't convince him that I didn't want to save him, that all I wanted to do was have him make careful love to me, which he was unable to do.

It was a hard and emotionally expensive lesson to learn.

01 oktober 2008

The rabbit

At this point I thought I'd got the hang of the sex-thing. I had sex with my boyfriend once a week to keep him from getting all grumpy on me. Although sometimes I felt hollow about compromising myself, I never had sex because I really wanted to, I let myself get persuaded into it, or not. .
In the end it didn't make anyone happy.

It was one thing that He liked me, but that someone else would be turned on by me was another thing. I had a hard time dealing with it and at the same time it was fascinating. Which led me to being seduced by "the rabbit":
He had a large body, tall and used to brag about the enormous size of his dick. Or rather... he used to say that most guys used gadgets and stuff to compensate for a lack of size, but he didn't need or have to...
That was the first time I learned that as soon as a guy says something about having a package on forehand it automatically means that he has a small one. (it has been proven to me over and over during the years.)
I was actually surprised when I had sex with him about not feeling anything at all, while he was going on and on in a hysterical phase. I felt disconnected.
Afterwards said that it was great. It made me really confused and we only had sex once.

26 september 2008


We had sex for hours and hours and peaked during a sex-hour race.
I had a hard time walking after that incident. And truth is that it's not always great sex just because it goes on and on, after a couple of hours you honestly want to do something else or you're wondering what's wrong with me, why can't he orgasm?

Truth was that he had a fear-of-potential-consequences -from-having-sex (like children). There where incidents when he used double condoms just in case one would break and sometimes I had to comfort him after having sex. He was not religious, just cautious which results in other issues, he had a hard time with the cumming part.
I must have given him a 1000 heads and only got him to cum 3 times. At first I thought I was really bad, but it wasn't that. I tried everything.
In general I never thought I was a good lover who could satisfy my partner, which in return made me a worse lover cause much of the sex we had was aimed at making him comfortable. It seldom was about my pleasure, something I couldn't grasp. However he did and eventually he bought me *toys" and said that I could use them for any sexual-exploration of myself that I wanted to try.
Eventually I got to like them but they where also a symptom of his growing fascination for pornography and sex in the sense of SEX not making love - he wanted to use them to spice up things. While I still hadn't gotten around to knowing what I even liked about the horizontal tango. I still did what I did sexually to satisfy him and it would take me years until I even started to closed in on that knowledge.

25 september 2008


I wanted to loose my virginity, as long as I had it, it was proof that no one thought I was pretty enough.
At the same time I didn't want to loose it to someone I didn't like or trust and there where moments when I could have but didn't just cause my gutt told me so.
In the end I was 17 and really loved the guy.

We had been making out for months since I told him that I was a virgin and he respected me enough to wait until I was good and ready. Even though he was both younger than me and was sexual experienced. I had hardly ever kissed anyone before him.
He said "wait!" and sneaked out to the bathroom where he put a condom on and then he came back. hard-on first as if it was guiding him. His was the first cock I saw in real life and I thought it looked really funny and strange.
I had felt it before while ackuardly trying to jack him off or thoose times when I did my best not to bite it, while giving head. He did his best to guide me, "don't use you teeth", "faster", "looser" and "harder". Sometimes it made me feel useless but I liked him enough to try my best to become a better lover.

Anyway, he sneaked into bed, we cuddled, kissed and he asked "if I were ok", I think I nodded and then in the words of Marvin Gaye we got it on.
He was on top of me and I remember trying to feel how everything felt in extreme. "How do I feel?" "How does he feel", "Is this what it's all about?".
It didn't hurt, he was warm in every way possible and in that moment, there and then with him, I felt totally complete for the first time ever in my life.

24 september 2008


At age 11 I found my fathers collection of pornographic movies. Classical 70's and 80's stuff, the kind of porn you don't get anymore.

As I watched it I felt a mix of curiosity, awe and disgust. In short I was fascinated plus the fact that I had lots of hormones jumping up, down and sideways.
Most of all I thought, wondered and tried to imagine myself having sex. "Did I really and eventually have to have sex with someone?"

As I now look back on my sexual journey it's easy for me to grasp the fact that it's easier for men to find and except their sexual lust then it is for us females. Today I find that fact interesting, more than anything. As a kid however sex was something shameful according to all the signs and knowledge I had about it. Why else would my father and mother hide their porn? Why else where you not allowed to scratch yourself downstairs when it itched like the boys did?

At the same time I wanted to learn more, why did women grunt when they fucked or were oraly stimulated? Was it that nice? Even though it looked really weird?
Eventually I had to try it.

I started masturbating at the age of 13 because I wanted to know how it felt.
I used my fingers to feel what i felt like inside, I tucked the handle of a brush inside (which didn't do much for me) and I tried stimulating my clitoris. I also tried standing up, laying down, being on all fours until finally on the floor in the hallway and about one year later I finally got my first orgasm (clitoris).

I still remember my first thought; That's it! Now I know what it feels like and I was very happy even though my entire hand and arm was cramping up.

Over the next couple of years I continued and refined masturbation. I enjoyed orgasms more than the touching of myself, it just relaxed me. However I felt a bit ashamed afterwards.