26 september 2008


We had sex for hours and hours and peaked during a sex-hour race.
I had a hard time walking after that incident. And truth is that it's not always great sex just because it goes on and on, after a couple of hours you honestly want to do something else or you're wondering what's wrong with me, why can't he orgasm?

Truth was that he had a fear-of-potential-consequences -from-having-sex (like children). There where incidents when he used double condoms just in case one would break and sometimes I had to comfort him after having sex. He was not religious, just cautious which results in other issues, he had a hard time with the cumming part.
I must have given him a 1000 heads and only got him to cum 3 times. At first I thought I was really bad, but it wasn't that. I tried everything.
In general I never thought I was a good lover who could satisfy my partner, which in return made me a worse lover cause much of the sex we had was aimed at making him comfortable. It seldom was about my pleasure, something I couldn't grasp. However he did and eventually he bought me *toys" and said that I could use them for any sexual-exploration of myself that I wanted to try.
Eventually I got to like them but they where also a symptom of his growing fascination for pornography and sex in the sense of SEX not making love - he wanted to use them to spice up things. While I still hadn't gotten around to knowing what I even liked about the horizontal tango. I still did what I did sexually to satisfy him and it would take me years until I even started to closed in on that knowledge.

25 september 2008


I wanted to loose my virginity, as long as I had it, it was proof that no one thought I was pretty enough.
At the same time I didn't want to loose it to someone I didn't like or trust and there where moments when I could have but didn't just cause my gutt told me so.
In the end I was 17 and really loved the guy.

We had been making out for months since I told him that I was a virgin and he respected me enough to wait until I was good and ready. Even though he was both younger than me and was sexual experienced. I had hardly ever kissed anyone before him.
He said "wait!" and sneaked out to the bathroom where he put a condom on and then he came back. hard-on first as if it was guiding him. His was the first cock I saw in real life and I thought it looked really funny and strange.
I had felt it before while ackuardly trying to jack him off or thoose times when I did my best not to bite it, while giving head. He did his best to guide me, "don't use you teeth", "faster", "looser" and "harder". Sometimes it made me feel useless but I liked him enough to try my best to become a better lover.

Anyway, he sneaked into bed, we cuddled, kissed and he asked "if I were ok", I think I nodded and then in the words of Marvin Gaye we got it on.
He was on top of me and I remember trying to feel how everything felt in extreme. "How do I feel?" "How does he feel", "Is this what it's all about?".
It didn't hurt, he was warm in every way possible and in that moment, there and then with him, I felt totally complete for the first time ever in my life.

24 september 2008


At age 11 I found my fathers collection of pornographic movies. Classical 70's and 80's stuff, the kind of porn you don't get anymore.

As I watched it I felt a mix of curiosity, awe and disgust. In short I was fascinated plus the fact that I had lots of hormones jumping up, down and sideways.
Most of all I thought, wondered and tried to imagine myself having sex. "Did I really and eventually have to have sex with someone?"

As I now look back on my sexual journey it's easy for me to grasp the fact that it's easier for men to find and except their sexual lust then it is for us females. Today I find that fact interesting, more than anything. As a kid however sex was something shameful according to all the signs and knowledge I had about it. Why else would my father and mother hide their porn? Why else where you not allowed to scratch yourself downstairs when it itched like the boys did?

At the same time I wanted to learn more, why did women grunt when they fucked or were oraly stimulated? Was it that nice? Even though it looked really weird?
Eventually I had to try it.

I started masturbating at the age of 13 because I wanted to know how it felt.
I used my fingers to feel what i felt like inside, I tucked the handle of a brush inside (which didn't do much for me) and I tried stimulating my clitoris. I also tried standing up, laying down, being on all fours until finally on the floor in the hallway and about one year later I finally got my first orgasm (clitoris).

I still remember my first thought; That's it! Now I know what it feels like and I was very happy even though my entire hand and arm was cramping up.

Over the next couple of years I continued and refined masturbation. I enjoyed orgasms more than the touching of myself, it just relaxed me. However I felt a bit ashamed afterwards.