24 september 2008


At age 11 I found my fathers collection of pornographic movies. Classical 70's and 80's stuff, the kind of porn you don't get anymore.

As I watched it I felt a mix of curiosity, awe and disgust. In short I was fascinated plus the fact that I had lots of hormones jumping up, down and sideways.
Most of all I thought, wondered and tried to imagine myself having sex. "Did I really and eventually have to have sex with someone?"

As I now look back on my sexual journey it's easy for me to grasp the fact that it's easier for men to find and except their sexual lust then it is for us females. Today I find that fact interesting, more than anything. As a kid however sex was something shameful according to all the signs and knowledge I had about it. Why else would my father and mother hide their porn? Why else where you not allowed to scratch yourself downstairs when it itched like the boys did?

At the same time I wanted to learn more, why did women grunt when they fucked or were oraly stimulated? Was it that nice? Even though it looked really weird?
Eventually I had to try it.

I started masturbating at the age of 13 because I wanted to know how it felt.
I used my fingers to feel what i felt like inside, I tucked the handle of a brush inside (which didn't do much for me) and I tried stimulating my clitoris. I also tried standing up, laying down, being on all fours until finally on the floor in the hallway and about one year later I finally got my first orgasm (clitoris).

I still remember my first thought; That's it! Now I know what it feels like and I was very happy even though my entire hand and arm was cramping up.

Over the next couple of years I continued and refined masturbation. I enjoyed orgasms more than the touching of myself, it just relaxed me. However I felt a bit ashamed afterwards.