Bad things on R

I've been doubtful as to weather to mention the rape or not. For me it abviously wasn't sex, yet ofcourse it effected what was to come in my sex-life.

It made me emotionaly numb and the beauty of someone you liked wanting to have sex with you dissapeared. Love ment sex but sex ment nothing therefor love ment nothing.

I thought: "I do lots of things, but not love"


So, I went for the secure thing.
A relationship.
A brief one.
Sex with Joe the plumber.

Except one morning when I fucked him on his balchony. That was fun!
It was the start of me fucking people instead of the other way around.


Note: being sexualy abused is in my experience something almost every woman encounters. (Someone touching you, looking at you or saying somthing sexual in a way that scares you.)
And even if you don't, just the tought and fear of being raped or abused on your way home (or in your home) has a hold on most women in a way men will never understand.
That in itself is a form of abuse.

The Big One

His was big, I guess it's still the biggest , or at least longest I've ever experienced! It completly surpriced me.

We had been flirting for a while and finally after a party we got it on in one of the rooms at work.
It wasn't all just sex, not in my mind. We cuddled and then just got to excited to be able to stop ourselfs.

It's not all honey and milk tho'. The size of his penis actually put a damper on things since if he rocked to hard he hurt me. I'd crumble and moan in pain.

He also said he liked my breast, but also my ass. "nice and grabable". I really liked when he firmly took a hold of it, as to show how much he liked it.
It was suh a strange feeling that he found me sexy. I mean before that only my ex-boyfriend ever told me that but I figured that wasn't completly biased. To turn someone else on was something new and fascinating.

However I wanted something more, that he wasn't able to give me.
So due to lack of affection from him I went and got it from other places. To compensate.
It was a hard time as I tried to understand why he didn't like me. At some point he must have... otherwise why did we have sex, you don't want to have sex with someone you don't like, right? That's where I came from...
I learned that doesn't have to be the truth.
The guy actually lead me to alter the frase "There's people who want to fuck you, and there's people who want to fuck you".

I'd also like to clarify that he had difficulties of his own... a has-been drugie with servere emotional problems.
And he excused my behaviour with that of some Florence Nightingale-person... which I never bought or believed, however I couldn't convince him that I didn't want to save him, that all I wanted to do was have him make careful love to me, which he was unable to do.

It was a hard and emotionally expensive lesson to learn.

The rabbit

At this point I thought I'd got the hang of the sex-thing. I had sex with my boyfriend once a week to keep him from getting all grumpy on me. Although sometimes I felt hollow about compromising myself, I never had sex because I really wanted to, I let myself get persuaded into it, or not. .
In the end it didn't make anyone happy.

It was one thing that He liked me, but that someone else would be turned on by me was another thing. I had a hard time dealing with it and at the same time it was fascinating. Which led me to being seduced by "the rabbit":
He had a large body, tall and used to brag about the enormous size of his dick. Or rather... he used to say that most guys used gadgets and stuff to compensate for a lack of size, but he didn't need or have to...
That was the first time I learned that as soon as a guy says something about having a package on forehand it automatically means that he has a small one. (it has been proven to me over and over during the years.)
I was actually surprised when I had sex with him about not feeling anything at all, while he was going on and on in a hysterical phase. I felt disconnected.
Afterwards said that it was great. It made me really confused and we only had sex once.

SPICE UP YOUR SEX-LIFE?

We had sex for hours and hours and peaked during a sex-hour race.
I had a hard time walking after that incident. And truth is that it's not always great sex just because it goes on and on, after a couple of hours you honestly want to do something else or you're wondering what's wrong with me, why can't he orgasm?

Truth was that he had a fear-of-potential-consequences -from-having-sex (like children). There where incidents when he used double condoms just in case one would break and sometimes I had to comfort him after having sex. He was not religious, just cautious which results in other issues, he had a hard time with the cumming part.
I must have given him a 1000 heads and only got him to cum 3 times. At first I thought I was really bad, but it wasn't that. I tried everything.
In general I never thought I was a good lover who could satisfy my partner, which in return made me a worse lover cause much of the sex we had was aimed at making him comfortable. It seldom was about my pleasure, something I couldn't grasp. However he did and eventually he bought me *toys" and said that I could use them for any sexual-exploration of myself that I wanted to try.
Eventually I got to like them but they where also a symptom of his growing fascination for pornography and sex in the sense of SEX not making love - he wanted to use them to spice up things. While I still hadn't gotten around to knowing what I even liked about the horizontal tango. I still did what I did sexually to satisfy him and it would take me years until I even started to closed in on that knowledge.

FIRST TIME - THE SEX & LOVE THANG

I wanted to loose my virginity, as long as I had it, it was proof that no one thought I was pretty enough.
At the same time I didn't want to loose it to someone I didn't like or trust and there where moments when I could have but didn't just cause my gutt told me so.
In the end I was 17 and really loved the guy.

We had been making out for months since I told him that I was a virgin and he respected me enough to wait until I was good and ready. Even though he was both younger than me and was sexual experienced. I had hardly ever kissed anyone before him.
He said "wait!" and sneaked out to the bathroom where he put a condom on and then he came back. hard-on first as if it was guiding him. His was the first cock I saw in real life and I thought it looked really funny and strange.
I had felt it before while ackuardly trying to jack him off or thoose times when I did my best not to bite it, while giving head. He did his best to guide me, "don't use you teeth", "faster", "looser" and "harder". Sometimes it made me feel useless but I liked him enough to try my best to become a better lover.

Anyway, he sneaked into bed, we cuddled, kissed and he asked "if I were ok", I think I nodded and then in the words of Marvin Gaye we got it on.
He was on top of me and I remember trying to feel how everything felt in extreme. "How do I feel?" "How does he feel", "Is this what it's all about?".
It didn't hurt, he was warm in every way possible and in that moment, there and then with him, I felt totally complete for the first time ever in my life.

YEARS OF MASTURBATION

At age 11 I found my fathers collection of pornographic movies. Classical 70's and 80's stuff, the kind of porn you don't get anymore.

As I watched it I felt a mix of curiosity, awe and disgust. In short I was fascinated plus the fact that I had lots of hormones jumping up, down and sideways.
Most of all I thought, wondered and tried to imagine myself having sex. "Did I really and eventually have to have sex with someone?"

As I now look back on my sexual journey it's easy for me to grasp the fact that it's easier for men to find and except their sexual lust then it is for us females. Today I find that fact interesting, more than anything. As a kid however sex was something shameful according to all the signs and knowledge I had about it. Why else would my father and mother hide their porn? Why else where you not allowed to scratch yourself downstairs when it itched like the boys did?

At the same time I wanted to learn more, why did women grunt when they fucked or were oraly stimulated? Was it that nice? Even though it looked really weird?
Eventually I had to try it.

I started masturbating at the age of 13 because I wanted to know how it felt.
I used my fingers to feel what i felt like inside, I tucked the handle of a brush inside (which didn't do much for me) and I tried stimulating my clitoris. I also tried standing up, laying down, being on all fours until finally on the floor in the hallway and about one year later I finally got my first orgasm (clitoris).

I still remember my first thought; That's it! Now I know what it feels like and I was very happy even though my entire hand and arm was cramping up.

Over the next couple of years I continued and refined masturbation. I enjoyed orgasms more than the touching of myself, it just relaxed me. However I felt a bit ashamed afterwards.